Did you know....

... that if you rearrange the letters in my name you can spell army charm? Now that's interesting.

Love is a burning thing...

Joaquin is HOT HOT HOT
oh, and the movie it good too.

I'm putting the following on my Christmas list

or, at least I would have if I still played with dolls...
ugly dolls

Not so new update

umm, i realized i have not done anything to my blog in a while. i thought, "oh i can post pictures from elizabeth's wedding!" but you know how vain i am. I was not going to post a picture that I was not in, so i think this is the only one really. sad huh? well you know who you can blame for that!

A not so beautiful day

I was having one of those not so beautiful days when I looked and felt like crap. I hadn't showered in days and didn't have any makeup on because I had over slept and just rushed over to work. I've been at my job just long enough now that the guys who come in and out of the office have started to say hello or acknowledge me occasionally. Since I am chronically pathologically looking for a boyfriend I always make note of who is friendly and seems interested in getting to know me. Which up to this point consists of no one. Until one day I have a casual conversation with one of the young guys from transportation in the break room. He asks me if I'm still in school since I read a lot and I explain I'm a grad student. He asks where I did my undergrad and becomes notably more friendly when I say Biola. This is nothing but it perks me up a little so I don't feel totally invisible. Later he is in our department and one of my loud-mouth co-workers starts going on about the temp who I replaced. She starts talking about how cute she was and how she had the perfect hour glass figure and how all the men would purposely walk through our department just to go by her desk. The guy who I had talked to earlier that day was particularly fond of her. As the big mouth relayed all this he blushed, laughed, and got that giddy look on his face that people do when their crush has been exposed. The big mouth when on and on for probably another 15 minutes about this girl's beauty and the attention she drew. Meanwhile with each word I felt smaller and smaller. The more big mouth described her beauty the more I felt like an ugly disappointment. How could anyone look upon me with interest after the one who came before, the one who was every man's wet dream? It sickened me to think of the gawking she must have endured but then I felt even lower realizing that I go unnoticed. I felt like Quasimodo. Then big mouth starts telling me how I should date one of the balding transportation managers. She said, "he's in his 30's and wants to settle down", but what I heard was "he's desperate enough to date you. Don't rule him out... He would be a good catch for you". Big mouth didn't mean any harm but, it took all my strength to push her words from my mind and keep from crying as I typed on my computer. I hate that I read so much into these interactions, but even more I hate feeling like my value will go un-noticed in the shadows of shinier people. I don't want to hear platitudes on the beauty I possess or on the quality of my character. I want for someone to understand how deeply I hurt. I do think I am worth while and I do think I have so much to give, even though I recognize that the packaging is not the most vogue. But the paradox is that all I feel I have going for me can be undermined by trivial superficial standards. I've got to stop. I'm giving my self a head ache ruminating on the injustices of our skin-deep culture.